Limitless

8:55pm

so turns out he wants to see me :) i could have seen him yesterday, but i didn’t. it’s just a little test to see if he’ll free up his day anytime this week. lets see what happens.

RANTrantrantrantrantrant

dear mother,

i’m sorry my grades aren’t up to par. you don’t know how difficult it is to keep up with everything. it’s my first year so please spare me. i will aim higher for the next years to come. 

ps. don’t blame my low grades on things like technology

11:39 am

so yeah….those feelings came back again, but this time i wanted to see what he would say or try to do. i wasn’t going to make any sort of effort because:

1. we’re nothing
2. i didn’t want others in the room to start instigating 

damn, i wish my mom left after she dropped me off, but she stuck around and waited till i was done hanging out with my nieces and nephews. we would have taken the bus together and it would have given us time to clear things up or whatever. whyyyy does this always happen? and with my mom in the room, i couldn’t really do anything because she’ll start thinking things. i kind of felt bad because i was pretty much ignoring him, but i didn’t mean to. i hope he understands my situation 

he did try to tell me something, but then one of my nephews was coming. i wanted to ask him what he was trying to say, but i don’t think i’m going to bother. if it was really important he would make an effort to tell me by any means. 

1:05 am

Yeah…its been a while since i’ve posted on here. Not much has really occurred other than the fact that i finished my first year of nursing and i passed (thank God). My GPA is really sad, but it’s what i deserve since i know i didn’t put much effort into my studies. It’s okay though, i have next year to bust my ass off. Right now i’m taking summer school and it’s good, but i could really use 4 months of summer to relax and work. This post is just all over the place and i feel like i’m just spewing out all my emotions LOL. I recently just came back from an amazing trip from ohio :) Like before, it was really fun and full of great memories and laughs. The people there were just so caring and great to be around (except for a few people). I experienced my first american wedding. They really know how to party and practically half of the people there were drunk, but that’s the best part though. It’s so funny to watch another culture interact. When it was time to go, everyone got sad because we all had a great time there. I personally forgot about my problems in toronto and school. Hopefully, we get to go back soon :) 

On another note, i’ve been thinking about life more than i usually do. Mostly on my “love life”. I honestly don’t know why i’ve been thinking about this kind of stuff. Maybe it’s because i haven’t been in a relationship in a while. Maybe it’s because i’m seeing couples everywhere and feel “foreveralone”. LOL i don’t think i need a guy right now, but it would be really nice to have that kind of relationship with someone. I feel like i need to talk to someone who is not my friend or family. It’s always refreshing to talk to someone new and just find out about them and share interests and dislikes. I guess they call this “the chase”? Haha i don’t know. I just miss it. Recently, i’ve been talking with an old friend who i kinda was interested in before. When i was talking with this person, those feelings came back again, but now they sort of faded. I don’t even know what to feel about this person anymore. Whatever happens will happen and i’m definitely not going to force anything or make anything happen. I’ll just let fate do its job. 

54. General thoughts

Woot after a crazy start to the semester, i’m finally on reading week :) but it’s halfway gone already. booo. anyways, as usual, i’ve been thinking a lot lately. i tend to do that when i’m alone and it’s really quiet. my grandma recently passed away before reading week started and i feel like i haven’t properly mourned, i guess. maybe it’s harder for me because she’s literally on the other side of the world. i truly miss her and i’m also glad that she’s no longer suffering on her bed. one day i want to get a tattoo in memory of her, but i haven’t found the right design yet. she was the best lola who raised me during my childhood and she’s the one that taught me about my filipino culture. i feel like i took her for granted when i was younger, but i didn’t know better. she’s in a better place now and is probably reunited with lolo :) 

i’ve also been feeling empty lately. i’m not quite sure if it’s because my mom isn’t here or maybe it’s because i haven’t found a significant other (lol what?). it’s not the end of the world if i don’t have a significant other, but it would be lovely you know. sometimes i think about my ex and how he’s doing and if he has ever been in a relationship since we broke it off. not going to lie, he looks better and more fit now. sometimes i think know i’m really bad with guys. it’s because of my shyness, i guess. it makes it harder for me cause i don’t want to sound stupid. when there’s a little alcohol in my system, that’s when i loosen up haha. i don’t mind though. with this ‘empty situation’ i’m not going to solve it by finding someone. i’d rather fall into it naturally. this post is just so random and all over the place like my life. i just would like to pass all my classes and start my four month summer vacation asap. 

28. Time to get fit :)

16. Uni

Man, i always give myself this self pep talk. I know I can do soooooo much better in school. I just don’t know the reason why I can’t focus and be ahead of the game…I know, it’s just me and my will power. I think that’s true, but I honestly feel like there is something lacking in my life…possibly time. Yes, time. I need more of that and the older I get, the more it speeds up. It kills me when I realize that I just spent hours not doing anything when I could have done something so productive. Then I have major regrets. Honestly, what the fuck is wrong with me. I feel hopeless. I need someone to be on my back about everything so I can truly learn. :( I want to break down and just have a good cry for myself. Release my anger and sadness. Maybe that’s what I need to change me. But there’s no time to cry at this stage in life. Time really doesn’t wait….

15.

can school not exist for like…ever. i’m sick of all these assignments being thrown to us. maybe i should have started earlier but still, a break was a break. and students deserve to not do anything. 

I CAN’T FUCKING CONCENTRATE! I DON’T KNOW HOW I’M GOING TO SURVIVE THIS SEMESTER, YET ALONE THE NEXT THREE FUCKING YEARS. I DON’T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED TO MY STUDY HABITS. I NEED SOMEONE TO KEEP ME ON TRACK FOR REAL. I’M JEALOUS OF PEOPLE WHO ARE GETTING REALLY GOOD GRADES. I WISH I HAD THEIR WILL POWER. FUCK. I’M SAD AND GETTING DEPRESSED :’(. I NEED SOMEON, BUT THEY HAVEN’T COME YET. IT’S ALWAYS SO LOUD IN HERE. I CAN’T CONCENTRATE WITH NOISE AND LOUD TALKING. I WANT TO GO BACK TO THE DAYS WHEN I WAS YOUNG AND DIDN’T CARE. WHERE SCHOOL WAS SO EASY AND SIMPLE. I FEEL LIKE DROPPING OUT, BUT I DON’T WANT TO BE A FAILURE AT LIFE. I THINK I CAN GET THROUGH THIS….I HOPE. 

13. 14.

i’m gonna blog when I need to vent.

12. Friends

I’ve been thinking a lot. Throughout my life, friends have certainly come and go. It seems to happen whenever I start a new chapter in my educational life. I don’t know if it’s just me…maybe it is. Sometimes I feel like i’m such a shitty friend. Ever since university started, I haven’t been really talking to my friends that much. It’s not that i’m so lazy, but I just prefer face to face conversations more than text. When it comes to texting I feel like I’m annoying the person because I don’t want to kill the conversation. I don’t know…Like with this certain friend, I don’t even know how I feel about this person. Sometimes I feel like that I’m annoying them and that they don’t want to be my friend anymore. I feel like they’re just my friend because of mutual friends. Sometimes I even feel like I have to be someone else when I’m around this person. I’m just unsure of how I feel for anything. It’s just eating me up inside. It probably is just me and the fact that I’m not good at keeping friends…booo. It makes me feel depressed and worthless, like I have nothing to live for. Wow this blog post just made me so depressed. I’m gonna end it here.